Three months into President Trump’s first term, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau attends the first official meeting of the two leaders, in the White House Oval Office. Media wags dubbed it the Blow-Dry Summit. The president chuckled to himself the first time he read that. Yeah, hair today, gone tomorrow, pretty boy, he thought.
“Mr. President, congratulations on your victory,” the boyishly charming Canadian prime minister said at his first official call on President Donald Trump. “The American people have embraced your message and your business experience. I’m looking forward to a productive, business-like relationship.”
“Welcome to the new Trump W House,” the president beamed. “How do you like what we’ve done with the place? Taken an 18th-century pile of rubble and turned it into a real five-star, luxury seat of government, fit for a king.”
Trudeau had seen the gold dome that had been added atop the south portico, emblazoned with “TRUMP W,” and a half-dozen coloured lasers shooting off into space. A little much for his taste but maybe he was just being too Canadian.
“We’re going to add two rows of fountains down the south lawn. It’s going to be spectacular. This is going to be the best seat of government in the world. Someone’s finally giving the American people what they deserve.”
“Yes, umm, yes, that is really something,” Trudeau said.
“Yeah, those W Hotel people tried to sue us for trademark infringement but they are going to be busy, what with being audited for the last seven years.”
After a photo opp and brief social niceties, President Trump stood.
“Hey, I have an idea. I’ll bet you’ve never seen the W’s Situation Room. Let’s finish our first meeting down there. It will be historic.”
Trump moved to a door in the curved wall of the Oval office and waved Trudeau to follow. The president led the way down a corridor from the Oval Office. A pair of Marine guards on either side of the door to the Situation Room, sharp in their dress blue tunics and black-brimmed white hats, snapped to attention. Their commander in chief waved a half-hearted salute in return and one of the Marine guards unhooked the burgundy velvet rope that hung between two brass stands in front of the door. Trump led the young PM into the room.
“No cover charge for heads of state.”
“Very impressive,” said the young prime minister, looking at a wall covered in monitors and streaming information. “But it seems we may be interrupting a meeting.”
In fact, it seemed most of President Trump’s new Cabinet was seated around a large boardroom table. Tall, busty waitresses in tiny Roman togas served cocktails.
“No, no interruption. This meeting is for you.”
“Cocktails in the afternoon? Are we celebrating?”
“Well, I guess we will be, but the cocktails are just part of my new plan to make the Trump W into a profit centre. There’s a three-drink minimum for meetings here. What will you start with? We’ve got an amber TrumpAle. Maybe Some TrumPinot. Or we can go right to the TrumPain. Can’t spell it like champagne because the French get mad, and we don’t want that. But mine is much better, anyway.”
“I’ll stick with water, thanks.”
“Okay, but we have to charge you for the drinks. Rules are rules. Tracy, will you get Justin a cold TrumpAgua?”
The Situation
“Justin, may I call you Justin? Better than calling you Jeb, what a boob,” he laughed. “You probably know I’m a straight shooter. That’s what the American people expect from me and that’s what works best, so I’m just going to come right out and say what’s on my mind.”
“Of course, Mr. President. Let’s do politics different than our predecessors. Let’s just be honest with each other.”
“Justin, I like you. I met your mom once at Studio 54 and she was hot. I probably had sex with her. I had sex with all the hot ones, you know, with my big hands. Hey, maybe you’re my son. Wouldn’t that be something? Could be. People think you’re hot, so maybe you got that from me. But I don’t think so because the truth is, you’re a loser. No offense. You’re a loser from a loser-nation. So I’m going to bring you onto a winning team. The United States is going to take over Canada and you’re all going to be winners.. We’re all going to be one big happy family. You can even call me dad. I promised to make America great again and there’s no reason Canada can’t be a part of Greater America.”
Trudeau felt like his head was spinning. Maybe there’s something in the TrumpAgua, he thought. Maybe he’s still at home in bed at 24 Sussex.
To be continued…