We pick up our story from when we last saw the earnest and magnificently maned Canadian prime minister. President Trump had just dropped a bomb on him. He was planning a takeover of Canada, hostile or otherwise.
“Listen, my friend,” said Trump. “I know what you’re thinking but it makes sense. The Canadian economy is in the toilet. Has been for a long time and will be for a long time. The Russians are knocking on your northern door what with global warming making all the North Pole mineral wealth available.
“And, it’s not me saying this but I’m hearing more and more from world leaders everywhere, Canada is just irrelevant. You don’t pull your weight in any international organization. You’ve got no military. Rosie O’Donnell is more productive at an all-you-can-eat buffet than your whole economy.”
“Mr. President, I’m afraid I must disagree most strenuously with your assessment,” Trudeau responded.
“Disagree all you want, JT. . Basically, you’re just taking up good real estate, and I know what to do with real estate. Together, we’d be the biggest, richest country in the world. Well, we’re already the richest country in the world but I’m letting you into the club. Canadians will be in the game instead of sitting on the sidelines.”
“No, no, absolutely no, that is insane on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. Canada is a sovereign nation. We’re your closest ally and biggest trading partner. You’re joking, right?”
“I never joke. Ask my wives. Ask their lawyers. Ask their lawyers’ wives. Look my friend, I understand that you feel you have a family heritage to protect, and I respect that. Your father was prime minister and he sounds like a guy I would really like. Choking out that protestor … well who hasn’t wanted to do that. And when he smashed in the burglar’s face with a statue, well that was just scrappy, my friend. You know I once hit Michael Bloomberg so hard the little turd’s head spun like a top for a week.
“But this works for you. And when I say ‘taking over,’ I don’t mean by force. No, no, no. We’ll compensate you. The United States of America will pay $1-million to every Canadian household to buy their interest in all Canada’s public assets. That’s $7-trillion, and at a much lower tax rate than they’ve got now. Everybody gets to keep more of it. That’s America trickling down on Canadians.
“But more importantly, Justin Trudeau goes down in history as the man who made everyone in an irrelevant and, let’s face it, hopelessly crappy little country, into a safe, wealthy American. They’ll build you a statue. Hell, I’ll build you a statue. Where do you want it? It will be a fantastic statue. The best statue ever built.”
Trudeau, whose mouth had been hanging open in utter amazement, pulled himself together.
“First of all, that wasn’t my father who choked the protestor,” he said, trying to control the rage growing inside him. “My father is the one who pirouetted behind the Queen of England. You know nothing about Canada.”
Rising from the conference table, chest out, shoulders back, leonine head of hair held high in defiance – a statuesque pose if ever there was one, the young prime minister was emphatic.
“Canada is not for sale, and the international community will not allow your meddling. The UN will not allow it. NATO will not allow it. The British Empire will not allow it. And Canadians will not allow it.”
Trump pursed his lips for a moment before speaking.
“C’mon, my friend. You know the UN is as hopeless as Ben Carson at a personality contest. All those idiot diplomats will sit around smoking their hookah pipes or whatever it is they do while living rent-free on the most valuable property in the world, on the East River in Manhattan.
“They will pass some lame, cry-baby resolution about how big and bad we are even though every one of them knows America saved all their asses at one time or another. Then you know what will happen, Mr. Prime Minister?”
“You will veto the resolution in the Security Council,” Trudeau answered in a soft voice.
“We’ll veto the crap out of it and then I’ll cut off American funds to those useless ingrates, kick them out of their luxury rent-controlled American digs and redevelop that site into the finest casino you’ve ever seen. The next time you see foreigners in Turtle Bay they’ll be losing big-time at my tables because they are natural-born losers.
“Listen, Justin, my friend, this is going to be the 21st century version of the collapse of the Berlin Wall. It’s just as inevitable. Most Canadians already choose to live a stone’s throw from the U.S. border. Most of them buy their groceries in the U.S., and they buy their gas in the U.S., and they watch U.S. TV and U.S. movies. They want to be Americans. We’re just making their dream come true. Tear down that border, Mr. Trudeau. Tear down that border.”
Trudeau’s eyes were wide with amazement. He shook his head in disbelief. “Mr. Trump, I will never agree to this. Canada will never agree to this.”
“Well, Justin, you don’t have to agree but it would be a lot smarter if you did. My generals tell me that when I say ‘go’ it will take less than two hours to neutralize more than half of your military’s ability to defend itself, and within four hours we’ll be mopping up the last of your fighters in the Arctic.
“Let me show you something. I believe you know my Secretary of Defense, Chris Christie. Never met a donut he didn’t like. You’ve got donuts in Canada, right? Chris, will you explain the tactical map on the big screen to our guest?”
“You bet I will, Mr. President,” said Christie, rising from the table and scampering to the front of the room. “About the carpet bombing …”
“Stand down, Chris. There won’t be any carpet bombing. These guys have assets we want. They are our friends.”
“Yes sir, Mr. President. Mr. Trudeau, do you see that red dot marked CVN 73, sitting off the coast of southern Maine? That is the aircraft carrier USS George Washington. Right now its captain and crew think it is getting ready to put in at the Naval Yard in Portsmouth for some repairs and upgrades. But we say the word and the George Washington could be off the coast of your biggest city in whatever that eastern province … Admiral Rollins?”
Christie looked back to an aide for help.
“New Brunswick, Mr. Secretary. The USS George Washington could be sitting off the coast of St. John, New Brunswick in about four hours, sir.”
“You’re damn right, Rollins. So there’s 100 advanced warplanes and all kinds of missile launchers that your New Brunswicker, or New Brunswickians or whatever will be waking up to.”
“And Admiral Rollins, what’s that red dot with the label CVN-70, off the coast of Washington state,” Christie said.
“Sir, that is the aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson, sir.”
“And that’s another 100 fighter jets and all kinds of missiles that will be aimed at all those drug addicts and shoe bombers in Vancouver.”
Trump motioned his defense secretary to sit down. “Now imagine all your constituents in Toronto. I’ve been to Toronto. Nice city. I have a hotel there. It’s a great hotel. The best hotel in Canada, according to all the big guidebooks. All my hotels are great. Imagine the good people of Toronto waking up and looking out over their lake to see a couple of US destroyers, and Black Hawk attack helicopters buzzing the shore.
“And see all those other dots and numbers off both coasts and up in the Arctic … Rollins, how many other dots are there?”
“The tactical display shows 37 naval attack vessels, including nuclear submarines, guided missile destroyers, cruise missile destroyers, and much more.”
“Much more, did you hear that,Mr. Trudeau? We’ve got stuff I didn’t even know about. Lasers. We’ve got lasers. No joke. And drones. Hell, we don’t even have to put a single soldier in harm’s way. And Christie’s just dying to close down the bridges.”
“Rollins, what does Mr. Trudeau have to work with?”
“The Canadian Navy has a dozen frigates, only half of which are fully operational in Canadian coastal waters.”
“How many aircraft carriers, destroyers?”
“None, Mr. President. Absolutely no long-range defense or meaningful command and control functionality.”
“Submarines?”
Rollins smiled and quickly covered his mouth to conceal the lapse in professionalism.
“Three, Mr. President. Victoria class. Pretty good boats but we know where they are at all times. They can be easily neutralized.”
“Fighter aircraft?”
“About 100 CF-18s are available to defend the homeland. It’s a good fighter with well trained pilots but no match for our Raptors and Super Hornets, and the airframes of their 18s are so old the wings will fall off in a dog fight.”
“Look, this is absurd,” said the prime minister, running his hand through his luxurious locks. “We’re not a military nation. Canada’s role is peacekeeping. Of course we’re not a military match for the United States but there is no way you are going to attack your closest neighbour – your Canadian friends and family. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Actually, we would,” the orange-hued president responded. “I’m a deal-closer. I make the best deals in the world, and this is a great deal. So unless you cooperate with our acquisition we will take it by force. Just watch me.
“Anyway, Mr. Prime Minister, I’m sure when we’re done here today you will agree this is the right thing to do,” the president said, turning back to Trudeau. “And if it makes it easier to swallow, you can call it a merger.” More like a leveraged buyout, Trump thought, but no need to point out to Trudeau that Canadian assets would pay for the acquisition. Hell, Canada may even pay for the Mexican wall.
“To paraphrase one of your predecessors, Mr. Trump,” Trudeau said, “read my lips. This is not going to happen.”
“Oh, this is happening. You know the great American Albert Einstein,” Trump said. “He was a pretty smart guy. Maybe as smart as me in some ways, but he never made any money off his brains. He once said: ‘Is it me who’s crazy or is it everybody else?’ Now it wasn’t Einstein who was crazy. It was Einstein who invented the atom bomb. You call that crazy? And I’m not crazy either. Crazy doesn’t get elected president of the United States.”
“Respectfully, Mr. President, I have to leave now,” Trudeau said, pushing back from the boardroom table. “We are a sovereign democratic nation. We are a people …”
“No you’re not,” Trump interrupted. “Half your people were born outside of Canada. That’s what happens when you have no immigration policy. And most of them came to Canada hoping to sneak into the US. So, right off the bat you know that at least half your population is going to be tickled pink at this news. And I think the number will be much bigger than that.”
“We are a nation built on the strength of immigrants, just like the United States,” Trudeau shot back. “A nation built on the principles of freedom and self-determination, just like the United States. Canada stands for something. It’s an idea. A set of ideals. Canada stands for diversity, for tolerance, for acceptance. The very opposite of the things you stand for Mr. Trump. The very opposite of the fear-mongering, divisive America you are creating.”
“Well then you should tolerate and accept this offer,” the president responded.
“We will not,” Trudeau responded. “We are different people, with a different history, and different values. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. It’s 2016. Civilized, developed countries don’t invade each other. Especially countries with the long history we have of working together.”
“History disagrees with you, Mr. Trudeau. And I make history. The last time we invaded Canada was like a hundred years ago. World maps change every year. And this isn’t your worst option. Canadian intelligence wouldn’t tell you this because Canadian intelligence is stupid, it’s the dumbest intelligence in the world. My intelligence, which is real intelligence, the best intelligence if you ask anyone, is that it’s us or Russia. The world’s a changing place and no one can afford to stand by and let one of its richest properties be squandered by a bunch of indecisive, soft losers.”
“When the international community hears about this you will find that you have made America a pariah state, Mr. Trump. No civilized nation will trust you, or do business with you. You have gone too far.”
The president smiled through pressed duck lips.
“First my good friend in Russia is going to absorb the Ukraine and some of the other former Soviet countries, and if you don’t side up with us, they’ll come skating over the North Pole and it will be game over for you.”
“Are you forgetting Mexico,” said Mr. Trudeau, looking down at his hands. “It’s a problem you actually ran on. Why aren’t you doing this to Mexico instead?”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Justin. One step at a time. But you think big. I like that. Maybe you can be in charge of the Mexico take over for me. But what I care about right now is Canada. Are you in or are you out? Give your people what you know they want and bring them peacefully into the greatest nation the world has ever known, or watch as a hostile takeover unfolds and it will be ugly.”
The Prime Minister stared at his hands in silence. One minute passed. Then another.
“Justin?”
“US or Canadian?”.
“What do you mean?” Trump squinted.
“A million each, U.S. or Canadian?”
Chapter One: Trump Does Canada: Koranada, A Queer and Present Danger http://bitly.com/29ZrDTa
Chapter Two: Trump Does Canada, Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow http://bit.ly/2abN613