I’ve made a million mistakes as a parent but I hope on balance I’ve been a worthy example of a human being. That got me thinking about some things I could have benefited from learning a lot sooner than I finally did. Here are a few of them.
1 — If you think someone completes you, you are incomplete and not ready for a serious relationship. No one else can complete you, and you will end up resenting them when that becomes obvious
You don’t have to be a fully baked, perfectly evolved, mature all-knowing person to have a great relationship. And you can learn a lot from your partner. But you do have to know that no one can fix your life but you.
When considering a partner, perhaps you wonder, “What does he/she/them bring to me?” Spend at least as much time wondering what you bring to them. Will you think, learn, grow, listen, talk and empathize? Do you want a partner with whom to share life’s adventures, joys and sorrows; someone with whom you can build a lifetime of experiences. Or do you want an acolyte to worship at the altar of You?
2 — Sex is fantastic. Enjoy it in whatever form suits you and a willing partner, while knowing that exciting and satisfying sex is not the foundation of a lasting partnership. It may be one of the pillars. It may be a whole wall, but unless you can support more of each other, share more with each other than swollen bits, you’ll tire even of that. PS, it’s better when you can talk about it openly.
Do you share values beyond good lube? One or both of you will change. If you aren’t building to something more than the next mind-blowing climax, you’ll end up sitting across from each other miserably silent over Grand Slams at a Denny’s. (BTW, that is irony, in case Alanis Morissette confused you.)
3 — Speaking of Alanis, music is one of the great joys of life but don’t believe anything you hear in a love song. Most are written by young people who know less about life and love than you do. They may be drawing from their own ill-formed experiences, but their goal is to get you to download their song. For any crouton of real wisdom you may find in a pointed or melancholy lyric, there is a whole loaf of melodramatic and harmful expectations.
Sure, it’s fun to feel sad and weepy over some words that sound just like what you’re going through. But it’s feel-good manipulation. Same with TV shows, movies and theatre.
“I can suck melancholy out of a song as a weasel sucks eggs,” says Jaques, in Shakespeare’s comedy As You Like it. It feels good going in, like a bowl of ice cream, but provides no sustenance.
4 — Speaking of Shakespeare, don’t be a drama addict. Conflict is exciting. It gets your juices flowing. Righteous indignation, just rage, purple jealousy. We all feel entitled to soak in these hot tubs at times. Be aware it can be habit-forming. And like any habit, it comes at a cost. You can’t build something with someone if you are addicted to tearing it down.
5 — Speaking of down, put the toilet seat down when you’re finished peeing, or look before you sit. Not every thoughtless moment is an assault on your humanity. In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff. And don’t keep score. If your partner is consistently thoughtless of your needs, you will know.
6 — Maybe you think you are at that point; wondering if you have a worthwhile, working relationship. Maybe you are at that point. But be aware of the human tendency to romanticize. (See above – don’t believe anything you hear in a love song.) Maybe that old lover did worship you more. More likely you’re remembering a fantasy. You can almost always trade one situation for another, but if you’re always looking for something better, something perfect, it’s hard to build much of a life. Perfect does not exist because none of us are perfect. Don’t choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
We judge others by what they say and do. We judge ourselves by what we intend. That’s how everyone is able to remain the hero in their own story. No one is smarter than everyone. We can all learn from others. Your way of thinking is not the only way of thinking. It is not the way others think, and maybe it’s not even the right way. Failure to understand that is a life in stasis. It is the beginning of death.
Now cheer up, and go live your best life.