Trump – Geoffrey Rowan

Sophie’s Husband’s Choice Part I, The Secret Agent

July 25, 2016

“You betcha,” said Vice President Sarah Palin, rising from her chair in the Oval Office. “You can count on me, Mr. President.”

Barely a month into his term, President Donald Trump had just brought his new vice president in on the first of what he promised the American people would be a steady stream of audacious actions that will make America great again. (Former Vice President Mike Pence turned out to be a little too Christ-y to be useful. “I’m a Christian, Conservative and Republican, in that order? Not in my White House.” )

Pres. Trump had already announced that Americans are now safer than they have ever been, government is leaner than it has ever been, Hillary is more imprisoned than she has ever been, and he has been awarded a double Nobel Peace Prize, which is more than twice as good as a regular one. His popularity was at an all-time high, according to Chief of Staff Ivanka Trump. Now it’s time to do something bigger than any president had ever done. Something huge.

On the campaign trail, Trump focused on building a wall to keep Mexicans out. Playing to fears of rapists, murderers, terrorists and the browning of America by illegal immigrants, Trump’s wall-power carried him to victory.

And it served as a classic misdirection. He always knew the real value is in Canada. The Mexican wall was a diversion. Grab that northern oil wealth and it will be true energy independence for America. No more making nice with sheiks and mad men (although that Vlad knows how to have fun. Vlad the Impaler, that’s a good one. Note to self, keep him away from Ivanka.) The next Arab country that sends a terrorist onto American soil will experience retribution on a biblical scale, if the bible had nuclear winter.

“It was the giant Yao Ming who said ‘Only powerful people have liberty,'” the president told his veep. “Have you ever seen a powerful Canadian? I mean, those people are a joke. You know most people don’t know I beat Yao in a game of HORSE. True story. He’s got a terrible set shot. An absolute loser. But I don’t tell that story because I’m a humble guy. The stories I could tell…

“Anyway, we are going to do what that stupid loser Mr. Dolly Madison was too incompetent to do in 1812. We’re going to take over Canada,” the president told Palin. “It’s an insult to the great American patriots who kicked British butts off our soil. An insult to George Washington, Abe Vigoda, John Kennedy, the Beatles.

“And it’s a threat to America’s greatness. You’ve got jihadi johnnies just lined up in the woods along the border, pulling on their long-john bombs over their mukluks and firing up their suicide dogsleds to destroy our great country. You know I won the I-Did-A-Rod dogsled race three years in a row. I had to stop competing because losing so much was making the Eskimos depressed. Whole towns stopped eating their blubber. It was so sad, really. Anyway, you’re going to help me put down Canada, like so many Ben Carsons going down for a nap.”

“You betcha, I am, Mr. President. That country is a queer and present danger” Vice President Palin responded. “Pot-smoking, homosexual-loving, beaver-hat-wearing bunch of terrorist sympathizers, each and every one. Might as well call it Koranada. Not God-fearin’, child-rearin,’ American beerin’ folk like you and me, that’s for dang sure. I don’t know what they believe in but it ain’t the red, white and blue, or granny’s butterscotch pudding or our lord and savior Jesus H. Christ. What do you want me to do, Mr. President?”

“That’s great, that’s great, you’re a real American. When the time comes, Sarah, you’re going to be our secret weapon. Our neutron bomb with a fantastic rack. And I have seen all of the best racks in the world. I have seen racks that are so huge they’re in different time zones. Really, that’s absolutely true, but the lying media won’t report it. So, we’ll send you on a cross-Canada “Be-A-Part-of-Great” tour and you’ll Stockholm Syndrome those moose-sucking American wannabes. They’ll be lining up for their U.S. passports and Obamacare Lite cards while we drain every last drop of oil and water out of that dump. You can ride a snowmobile can’t you?”

“Can an Eskimo squeeze wine outta berry-season grizzly scat? You betcha, Mr. President. In Alaska we call it the Babymaker. A six-pack of Bud tall boys and a Skidoo with heated seats.”

The president stood and motioned Vice President Palin to the door. What was I thinking with that Pence idiot, he wondered. “We’ll be in touch,” he said, dismissing Palin. “This is going to be like taking a nomination from an idiot.”

Stayed tuned for Part II, “The-Hair-Today-Gone-Tomorrow Summit”

Trump and Clinton, separated at birth?

June 28, 2016

By Geoffrey Rowan

Maybe, but not that Clinton. Donald Trump has an 18th-century doppelganger in George Clinton, a former New York governor and vice president. The engineered hair and jowly profile hint at the sameness of the two, but there are many other similarities.

In the French-Indian War (1754-1763), Clinton served as a privateer — a legal pirate.

In his time, Trump served as a bankrupt — a legal pirate.

Clinton was a member of the Democratic Republican Party.
Trump is a former Democrat, now a Republican who other Republicans wish was a Democrat.

In his detailed and engaging biography of Founding Father and modern Broadway star Alexander Hamilton, author Ron Chernow describes Clinton as a louche impediment to Hamilton’s nation-building efforts.

“Hamilton’s besetting fear was that American democracy would be spoiled by demagogues who would mouth populist shibboleths to conceal their despotism,” Chernow writes of Clinton.

“(Trump) is a demagogue, who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator,” said Stephen Hawking, the brilliant English theoretical physicist and mathematician who Trump would likely mock for being paralyzed by ALS.

“(Hamilton) had come to believe that Clinton pandered to popular prejudice ‘especially when a new election approaches,’” says Chernow. He quotes Theodore Roosevelt, who said Clinton knew how to capitalize on the “cold, suspicious temper of small country freeholders” with their “narrow jealousies.”

“Something bad is happening,” says Trump, pandering to the prejudices of New Hampshire voters by casting suspicions on Muslims and mosques.

“Something really dangerous is going on,” he said, capitalizing on the cold, suspicious temper of small country freeholders” with their “narrow jealousies.”

“(Hamilton) found (Clinton) rude and petulant,” says Chernow.

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass,” says Trump.

In Clinton’s case, “for all his aura of republican simplicity, Clinton was not the salt of the earth. He owned eight slaves and put together fortune in office.”

In Trump’s case, for all his’ says-what-he-means plain talk,’ he has proved adept at using the campaign to enrich himself and his interests. That includes paying more than $6 million from campaign funds to things that benefit him – fees for rallies and strategy sessions at Trump Tower in Manhattan, traveling on his private jet, staying in his Palm Beach resort, and buying Trump-branded water and wine at political events.

“… During most of his time in office, this pooh-bah of the people sported the pretentious title “His Excellency George Clinton, Esquire, the Governor General and Commander in Chief of all the militias, and Admiral of the Navy of the state of New York.”

Says Trump, “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” “I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.”

Trump says he will build a wall to keep Mexicans out of the U.S.
Clinton was a wall that kept Vermont out of the U.S. at that time.

There are other similarities. Clinton’s grandfather was a supporter of William of Orange. Trump is orange. But there are also differences. Clinton was astute, and a war hero.

If there is some psychic inter-generational connection between Clinton and Trump, perhaps we can divine the road ahead in this year’s presidential race by looking to the past. Clinton challenged James Madison for the presidency in 1808, but he was outmaneuvered by Madison supporters at the nominating meeting. With divisions in the Republican Party over Trump, perhaps being outmaneuvered at the nominating convention will be another fate they share.