“You betcha,” said Vice President Sarah Palin, rising from her chair in the Oval Office. “You can count on me, Mr. President.”
Barely a month into his term, President Donald Trump had just brought his new vice president in on the first of what he promised the American people would be a steady stream of audacious actions that will make America great again. (Former Vice President Mike Pence turned out to be a little too Christ-y to be useful. “I’m a Christian, Conservative and Republican, in that order? Not in my White House.” )
Pres. Trump had already announced that Americans are now safer than they have ever been, government is leaner than it has ever been, Hillary is more imprisoned than she has ever been, and he has been awarded a double Nobel Peace Prize, which is more than twice as good as a regular one. His popularity was at an all-time high, according to Chief of Staff Ivanka Trump. Now it’s time to do something bigger than any president had ever done. Something huge.
On the campaign trail, Trump focused on building a wall to keep Mexicans out. Playing to fears of rapists, murderers, terrorists and the browning of America by illegal immigrants, Trump’s wall-power carried him to victory.
And it served as a classic misdirection. He always knew the real value is in Canada. The Mexican wall was a diversion. Grab that northern oil wealth and it will be true energy independence for America. No more making nice with sheiks and mad men (although that Vlad knows how to have fun. Vlad the Impaler, that’s a good one. Note to self, keep him away from Ivanka.) The next Arab country that sends a terrorist onto American soil will experience retribution on a biblical scale, if the bible had nuclear winter.
“It was the giant Yao Ming who said ‘Only powerful people have liberty,'” the president told his veep. “Have you ever seen a powerful Canadian? I mean, those people are a joke. You know most people don’t know I beat Yao in a game of HORSE. True story. He’s got a terrible set shot. An absolute loser. But I don’t tell that story because I’m a humble guy. The stories I could tell…
“Anyway, we are going to do what that stupid loser Mr. Dolly Madison was too incompetent to do in 1812. We’re going to take over Canada,” the president told Palin. “It’s an insult to the great American patriots who kicked British butts off our soil. An insult to George Washington, Abe Vigoda, John Kennedy, the Beatles.
“And it’s a threat to America’s greatness. You’ve got jihadi johnnies just lined up in the woods along the border, pulling on their long-john bombs over their mukluks and firing up their suicide dogsleds to destroy our great country. You know I won the I-Did-A-Rod dogsled race three years in a row. I had to stop competing because losing so much was making the Eskimos depressed. Whole towns stopped eating their blubber. It was so sad, really. Anyway, you’re going to help me put down Canada, like so many Ben Carsons going down for a nap.”
“You betcha, I am, Mr. President. That country is a queer and present danger” Vice President Palin responded. “Pot-smoking, homosexual-loving, beaver-hat-wearing bunch of terrorist sympathizers, each and every one. Might as well call it Koranada. Not God-fearin’, child-rearin,’ American beerin’ folk like you and me, that’s for dang sure. I don’t know what they believe in but it ain’t the red, white and blue, or granny’s butterscotch pudding or our lord and savior Jesus H. Christ. What do you want me to do, Mr. President?”
“That’s great, that’s great, you’re a real American. When the time comes, Sarah, you’re going to be our secret weapon. Our neutron bomb with a fantastic rack. And I have seen all of the best racks in the world. I have seen racks that are so huge they’re in different time zones. Really, that’s absolutely true, but the lying media won’t report it. So, we’ll send you on a cross-Canada “Be-A-Part-of-Great” tour and you’ll Stockholm Syndrome those moose-sucking American wannabes. They’ll be lining up for their U.S. passports and Obamacare Lite cards while we drain every last drop of oil and water out of that dump. You can ride a snowmobile can’t you?”
“Can an Eskimo squeeze wine outta berry-season grizzly scat? You betcha, Mr. President. In Alaska we call it the Babymaker. A six-pack of Bud tall boys and a Skidoo with heated seats.”
The president stood and motioned Vice President Palin to the door. What was I thinking with that Pence idiot, he wondered. “We’ll be in touch,” he said, dismissing Palin. “This is going to be like taking a nomination from an idiot.”
Stayed tuned for Part II, “The-Hair-Today-Gone-Tomorrow Summit”
Be careful, you might actually give him ideas!